Life’s Terms – Not Mine
I was at work when my cell phone rang and I could see from my contact list that it was “Parole Officer – Diane” calling. Diane had been assigned to our case last Spring and had interviewed me for several hours. She was the only person that I encountered within the judicial system, in the five months that passed from arrest to sentencing, who actually took the time to listen, really listen to what happened to my family and understand how much it effected us. During the sentencing in June, she stood in between me and the assistant district attorney prosecuting our case. To my right was the defense attorney, next to him, his client; the offender. We were standing before the judge’s bench when Diane reached up and touched my arm because my right hand had begun to tremble uncontrollably when I started to speak.
It’s not like I’ve never spoken in public before, I have, many times but this was different, very different. It was personal. I was talking about my children. The gentle reminder of Diane’s presence calmed me, enabling me to continue to read aloud the 3-page, typed statement I’d prepared. The court calls it a Victim’s Impact Statement. For me, it was a bearing of my soul, exposing my innermost feelings and fears, in public. Difficult. Painful. But as any parent can relate, when it comes to your children and in particular, their safety, your own comfort is inconsequential. You do what you have to, for them. You do ANYTHING. Diane gave me strength that day to do what I needed to do, so when I answered her call and she asked if I would speak on a Victim’s Impact Panel, I said, “Yes”.
This would be the second time a panel of this kind was held in our county and the second time I would speak on it.
This past Thursday, the panel gathered in a small room off to the side of the community room at our city’s police station. We met with a victims advocate who is also a psychiatrist. She gave us breathing techniques and other ideas on what to do if we got anxious while speaking. We introduced ourselves to each other and briefly mentioned the type of crime that had effected our lives. The woman next to me was one of three of us from the first panel. It was oddly comforting to see her again. Hers is a powerful story. She and her husband were attacked by her daughter’s ex-boyfriend. He had machetes hidden in his jacket when he entered their home and cut them both, badly. Her husband lost a thumb. He was a carpenter. He turned to alcohol. They’re separated now.
Shortly after the introductions, we took our seats at the front of the community room and watched the parolees shuffle in, one by one, sitting three at a table. There were ten, maybe fifteen tables. Questionnaires had been placed in front of each seat and they were instructed to fill them out at the end in order to receive “credit” for being there. Five officers were strategically placed throughout the room.
Like the last time, Diane introduced me first and rather abruptly, the room went from chatty and busy to silent while all eyes settled on me. I took a deep breath and began to recount what happened to my family and how it has effected our lives. After a while, even though I could still hear myself talking, a part of me seemed to detach from the speaker and I also became the looker, the watcher, the observer; scrutinizing the bodies that sat before me. I found myself noting what they were wearing, how they sat; their demeanor. There were men and women of various ages, although the majority of them were young. They were dressed in every fashion, whether it was proper attire, or not. Although, they were told to remove their hats before we started. They were black, white, Spanish, Asian and other. It was a mixed crowd and unless you knew what brought this diverse group of people together, you couldn’t guess what they had in common. I didn’t have to. Other than the fact that they were all here by court order, mandated to sit for the next 2 hours and listen to our stories, I knew that each one of these people was a convicted felon, having committed such crimes as aggravated assault, battery, arson, fraud, attempted murder, burglary, illegal drug use or sales.
Like the last time, I found the audience to be quiet and respectful. And again, I was honestly taken by how attentive everyone was. Really. You can’t fake eye contact and most of the people there seemed genuinely interested in what we had to say. For many of these offenders, it was the first time they came “face to face” with real consequences of their actions.
After revisiting the life-changing event that brought us to this room, we were escorted back into the smaller room to “debrief” and discuss our experience with the psychiatrist and other law enforcement agents that were there. About ten minutes later, Diane came in holding the questionnaires that the parolees were required to fill out and handed them to us to look at. It was interesting to learn what crimes these people actually committed and fascinating to learn what, if anything about our stories had an impact on them. I was curious to see what they would say to their victims if they had the opportunity, “I’m sorry”, was the most popular response.
Just like last time, it was the effect the crime had on my children that made the biggest impression on the offenders that were impacted by my story. Perhaps it was the fact that I was too distraught to put up a Christmas tree for my kids or that my 9-year old daughter was having nightmares and wetting her bed. Maybe it was hearing that my son (who had just turned 11) was a primary suspect and upon learning that, I instinctively refused to sign the complaint statement that would allow the detectives to pursue their investigation, leaving us effectively, on our own. Or, it could have been me telling them, that for most of November, December and January, my boy would sit outside our house, in the cold, for over an hour after school, waiting for me to come home from work, rather than go inside by himself because he was too afraid, that struck a chord with some.
One man who commented on my story said he felt “helpless” while listening to me talk about what happened.
So did I — at the time.
And just like last time, I remained unemotional and composed, throughout– until I got into my car to go home.
I realize, you can’t let an event in your life define who you are. It’s not what happens to you but what you do when something happens that becomes part of your character. It’s recognizing what you would do differently and what you did well. It’s about trusting your instincts and finding the strength to do what you know in your heart is right, even when the person closest to you is trying to dissuade you.
Ultimately, it’s what you learn from the event that helps shape who you are.
I’m not quite finished dealing with the aftermath of this event. It’s opened up a Pandora’s Box in my life. It’s put me onto a path I never expected to be on. But I’m Okay with where I am today and even though it’s not a very comfortable place to be, I believe I’m where I’m supposed to be. I think that’s true for the rest of my family, too.
When I ask myself if it was a good thing for me to speak and tell my story, again and when I wonder if it made a difference or mattered to anyone, I can honestly say, “Yes, it did”, to me anyway. It helped me put things in perspective and reminded me that I am living life on life’s terms, not mine and of how far I’ve come from feeling helpless and not being able to put up a Christmas tree.
Posts related to this topic by this author: Unsolicited Journey, My Edward, Impact
Next time you get called on the panel you should bring in the pics of what happened in your household! Maybe post them on your site too.
LikeLike
I actually had them with me Veronica, but I didn’t take them out….we’ll see. xoxo
LikeLike
Karen-it’s Sandra, John’s cousin. Heidi sent me your blog and I just read it. While reading it, my stomach started to get tied up in knots! Reading how all this is affecting you and your family makes me so ill! I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I wish it was 5 years from now so some of this would be a little less painful and the children will have grown a little more understanding of life and know that basically people are good and that this person should not ruin the rest of their lives. But they are so young and you are their mother and you feel that you need to protect their lives and their pain. Again, I am so very sorry for all this anguish, Karen!! I wish I could hug you. Please have Heidi hug you for me. I hope PEACE comes to your household very soon!
Love, Sandra
LikeLike
Thank you for your kind words Sandra (I hope you are well!) Please don’t feel sorry for me/us. It is all very manageable and we are fine. My kids are great and far more resilient than I am! I hope to find peace, when I move….ha,ha!! Hugging you back…..Karen
LikeLike
Hi Karen,l just read your blog,.l give you a lot of credit,you are a real trooper
l am so proud of you,and you are an amazing writer. Mom
LikeLike
Thanks, mama.
LikeLike
Hi there, I want to subscribe for this weblog to take newest updates, thus
where can i do it please help.
LikeLike
Various authentic websites are present which provide cooking games for kids
to play online. , which bills itself as a game of negotiation, dealmaking, and ‘cutthroat bargaining.
‘ However, there has also been an air of folk myth to the idea that games could actually help the mind stay physiologically healthy.
LikeLike
I’m now not certain where you’re getting your info, however great topic.
I needs to spend some time finding out much more or figuring out more.
Thanks for excellent info I used to be in search of this info for my
mission.
LikeLike
I take pride in my own work and hobby, its clear that you do together with your informativ blog post.
I used to be blessed to find it here. So that I can find mmy way back here, thanks for posting this info and That I’ve saved the site!
LikeLike
Thanks a lot. A good amount of knowledge!
LikeLike
As the admin of this website is working, no hesitation very rapidly it will be famous, due
to its quality contents.
LikeLike
With thanks, Numerous information!
LikeLike
Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Spending some time and actual
effort to make a superb article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a whole lot and don’t seem to get anything done.
LikeLike
Howdy I am so delighted I found your web site, I really
found you by mistake, while I was browsing on Askjeeve for something else, Regardless I
am here now and would just like to say thanks a lot for a remarkable
post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the
theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds,
so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do
keep up the excellent work.
LikeLike
This post gives clear idea for the new users of blogging, that genuinely how to
do running a blog. Ap Handyman
18445 Hwy 105 Suite# 102
Montgomery, TX 77356
(936) 202-3326
LikeLike
Hey great post. I hope it’s ok that I shared this on my FB, if not, no worries just let me know and I’ll remove it.
Either way keep up the great work.
LikeLike
Hey great post! I hope it’s alright that I shared this on my Twitter, if not, no problem just tell me and
I’ll remove it. Either way keep up the good work.
LikeLike
Hello there, You have done an excellent job.
I’ll definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I am confident they’ll be benefited from this web site.
LikeLike
I do not even know how I stopped up right here, but I thought this publish
was great. I do not realize who you are however
certainly you’re going to a well-known blogger should you aren’t
already. Cheers!
LikeLike
I still can’t quite believe I could end up being one of those reading the important recommendations found
on your web site. My family and I are seriously thankful on your generosity and for providing
me the potential to pursue our chosen career path. Thanks for the important
information I managed to get from your blog.
LikeLike
It’saᴡesome in favѵor of me to have a web page, whіch іs useful designed for my know-how.
thanks admin
LikeLike
What’s up mates, good post and pleasant urging commented here, I am genuinely enjoying by these.
LikeLike